A phrase we have been practicing around here for several months and have now recently come to appreciate is:
Not my monkeys,
Not my circus.
It encapsulates the need to hold others accountable for their actions and deny them the opportunity to shirk their responsibilities while entangling you leaving you holding the bag.
In early August we [Sue] agreed to open our home to become a canine summer camp for Diane's two dogs for 10 days while she took a vacation. After some adjustments on both ends, Bella and Cooper settled in and were a fun diversion for our home life. Once vacation was over for Diane, Bella and Cooper packed up their toys, leashes and bedding and returned to Diane's home after a grand time at Canine Camp. It worked out well for everybody - just a it should.
At the end of August, Sue gets a call from Johanna, "I have to leave tomorrow to take my son Jeremiah to Freshman orientation at Cornell University in New York, would you like to adopt his dog?" Sue asks, "What kind of dog is it?" Johanna tells her it is a small 'terrier mix'. Sue says we are really not ready to take on another dog right now. Johanna continues, "Well, I have some other people that might be wanting to take her next week, but since I need to leave town, would you do me a favor and keep her at your place until I return on Saturday (or maybe Sunday)?" Sue says out of the goodness of her heart, yes, we can help you out with that for a few days if need be.
Johanna sends her son Jeremiah alone over to our house with his dog Pebbles, and all of her stuff and a small amount of food. Jeremiah fills Sue in on Pebbles' likes and dislikes and quirks, all needed for her best care and comfort and says an emotional good bye to his pet. Sue sends me a text at work briefly explaining the situation along with a photo of Pebbles. The photo on my phone shows a Chihuahua with the added text, "Terrier? My ass". [Lie #1]
Pebbles' water, food and bed are set up in the dining nook of the kitchen. Pebbles and Sue do not get along well at first. Pebbles growls and lunges at Sue when she gets near. Sue resorts to calling her, Cujo. When I come through the door at the end of the day, Sue has prepared a few pieces of diced cheddar for me to bribe Pebbles with, and as Pebbles runs to greet me, I feed her cheese scraps. We are fast friends in 7 seconds. Meanwhile, Sue is still seething from Cujo's threats that continued toward her all day long.
My preference in dogs runs toward a dog that enjoys sleeping at his master's feet and can be petted with a solid hand across a broad hound-shaped head and stroked with a solid affectionate thump and scratch from my open hand on their side. Admittedly, Chihuahuas are probably my least favorite breed, they have bug eyes and spindly spider-monkey legs and even my smallish hands encompass half of Pebbles' body. I do not feel like I am petting a dog, but she is more akin to trying to pet a quick-moving short-haired lobster. Not a real dog. However, Pebbles is intelligent (for a Chihuahua) and she is learning to follow my instructions. Basically, a good dog especially if you want a small lap dog (which I do not). Eventually, Pebbles accepts Sue presence and we all settle in to our shared space. Sue texts Johanna a few updates on her dog Pebbles, thinking Johanna would like to know how things are working out back at home with her pet. Sue gets zero response from Johanna. Not even a 'thank you' for helping me out while I am out of town. Nothing.
We've had Pebbles at our house since Tuesday morning, and come Saturday at dinner, after no messages from Johanna, I ask, "You don't think Johanna has dumped Pebbles at our house, expecting us to keep her from here on out, do you?" Most of my life I have made it a point to ignore my intuition and hunches about people, instead relying heavily on my intellect to solve problems and form opinions; however over the last few years, I have grown much more comfortable listening to what my 'gut' is saying. That evening, my gut was saying, we've heard nothing from Johanna, it feels like this will soon become "MY monkeys and MY circus". I do not like to hear and/or feel that. Sue assures me that Johanna is a busy woman, and is dealing with a lot, so she may need a rest at home upon her return on Saturday, but she will come get Pebbles on Sunday evening or maybe Monday. My guts whispers to me, "Buddy, you better prepare to be buying a boat load of metaphorical monkey chow if you think Johanna is coming back for Pebbles". I am torn between listening to my gut or my wife, but if I were a betting men, my money would go with soon owning the monkeys. I never wanted to run away and join the circus, but conversely, now I do not want the circus to join me
Sunday: I ask, have you heard anything from Johanna? Sue says, well I did call her and left a message and I texted her, and I also tried to reach her on FaceBook; but no, I've heard nothing from her.
Monday: I ask, have you heard anything back from Johanna this morning? Sue responds a bit defensively, "I have several calls into her and attempts to contact her, and I am waiting to hear back from Johanna". I repeat what my gut has already told me, "You know, Johanna will not be coming back for her dog."
I come home at 2 PM on Monday in order to meet with the A/C technician who is scheduled to be at our house shortly, but as I walk into the house, Sue is on the phone with Johanna. I hear Johanna's voice and my 'Chihuahua-sense' is tingling. Her tone and her wording are knocking my internal BS manipulation detector off scale. Johanna is telling Sue, that she can not take Pebbles back right now because she just moved to a new apartment and has not paid the pet deposit fee, so no way she could take the dog [Lie #2]. Besides, Johanna informs Sue that boarding her dog would be very expensive and a drain on her finances (as we have been saying, Not my monkeys, Not my circus). "So", Johanna continues "if you could hold onto Pebbles for just a few more days, I have some friends across town who would like to give Pebbles a new home [Lie #3] and they will take her real soon". And besides, Johanna continues, "It would not be fair to Pebbles to take her from your home back to my place, only to then re-home her at another place, this would be too traumatic for Pebbles and 'I love that dog so much'" [Lie #4]. Sue tells her that we have plans to leave town to visit friends over the weekend, so Pebbles has to be gone before then. Johanna agrees and promises to pick up Pebbles on Wednesday (or Thursday) [detecting a pattern? Lie #5]. While I deal with the A/C technician, Sue agrees to hold onto Pebbles through Wednesday (or maybe Thursday).
Of course we hear nothing from Johanna on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. Another reason Johanna could not take responsibility for Pebbles was revealed on FaceBook, Johanna flew to Chicago and posted all the fun she was having clubbing in the Windy City. Meanwhile, our trip to visit our friends in East Texas for the weekend is now torpedoed by Pebbles. I decide, Sue should go alone while I stay behind to care for MY monkey at MY circus. I flat out tell Sue, Johanna is NOT your friend, she is a manipulative, scheming liar who is using you time after time. I refer her to M. Scott Peck's book, People of the Lie. Johanna is the embodiment of this type of evil that casually spins these toxic webs and entangles and manipulates all manner of people into her webs in order to use them for her own selfish pleasures. I repeat, Johanna is NOT your friend and unless you handle this boldly, her toxin will poison your life and our marriage. These are not our monkeys nor is this our circus.
When Sue returns from her solo visit to East Texas, I tell her the plan: you must pack up Pebbles and return her to Johanna at work. Do not call ahead. Do not give Johanna any warning and therefore a means of escape. Show up with the dog. Leave the dog at her office, and if Johanna is not there, leave Pebbles in her crate on the premises and tell whoever you see that this is NOT your dog, it is Johanna's dog. Tell them to call Johanna to deal with it. Then leave. You owe no explanation, no excuses. Just flip the back of your hand and say "Not my monkeys, Not my circus".
By Monday morning (day 13), Johanna has not returned any of Sue's messages. Sue gathers all of Pebbles' stuff and together they ride out to the church denomination administrative offices where Johanna works. Sue walks in with Pebbles and heads straight to Johanna's office. Johanna is on the phone. Johanna's face has the look of "busted" as Sue and pebbles round the corner. Sue leaves Pebbles in the office then goes out to carry in all of her bedding, bowls and toys. Johanna quickly smiles and says, "Oh Sue! So good to see you! I would have called you, but my phone has been all messed up and... [Lie #whatever]. Sue leaves.
The next day, Johanna's FaceBook is aglow with praise for "my dear friend Sue Suneson with many thanks, who watched my beloved dog while I was dropping my son off at a prestigious Ivy league school in New York..." This face saving FaceBook post had at least two consequences, first her son Jeremiah was apparently told (lied to) by his mother that the Sunesons were very happy to give his dog Pebbles a new home. So once Jeremiah got wind of the FaceBook post, he was confused and very sad that Pebbles no longer was at our house as he thought was the plan. Second, our friend Diane (owner of Bella & Cooper whom we cared for earlier in the month) saw the post and being among other thing a 'dog person' thought she would offer to take Pebbles and do an 'evaluation' with Pebbles and then recommend her for a new home if all went well in the evaluation. Once I heard that Pebbles was now at Diane's apartment, I told Sue, this will not go well and be very careful, because Johanna's manipulative evil tendrils are coiling back toward our house, do not let Pebbles (Johanna) back in our house!
No good deed goes unpunished.
Ain't that just like a pebble in your moccasin?
I decided to spend Labor Day weekend in East Texas with friends, while Sue had other obligations so she stayed in town. While I was gone, Sue agreed to take Pebbles back into our house from Diane, so Diane could do a weekend trip. But Pebbles was very aggressive toward her other 2 dogs, so she could not allow all 3 to remain in the same space. So Sue had care of Pebbles for Sunday. Glad I was not there.
I returned on Monday, and I get the story, but Sue gleefully reports that "Diane keeps her word" and that Diane did pick up and remove Pebbles Sunday evening. But, somehow, Diane went from taking Pebbles for a short re-homing evaluation to getting full custody of Pebbles. Somebody must've got manipulated. Sue feels bad for Diane. But I tell her, lets say this together one more time,
Not MY monkeys,
Not MY Circus.
Not my monkeys,
Not my circus.
It encapsulates the need to hold others accountable for their actions and deny them the opportunity to shirk their responsibilities while entangling you leaving you holding the bag.
In early August we [Sue] agreed to open our home to become a canine summer camp for Diane's two dogs for 10 days while she took a vacation. After some adjustments on both ends, Bella and Cooper settled in and were a fun diversion for our home life. Once vacation was over for Diane, Bella and Cooper packed up their toys, leashes and bedding and returned to Diane's home after a grand time at Canine Camp. It worked out well for everybody - just a it should.
At the end of August, Sue gets a call from Johanna, "I have to leave tomorrow to take my son Jeremiah to Freshman orientation at Cornell University in New York, would you like to adopt his dog?" Sue asks, "What kind of dog is it?" Johanna tells her it is a small 'terrier mix'. Sue says we are really not ready to take on another dog right now. Johanna continues, "Well, I have some other people that might be wanting to take her next week, but since I need to leave town, would you do me a favor and keep her at your place until I return on Saturday (or maybe Sunday)?" Sue says out of the goodness of her heart, yes, we can help you out with that for a few days if need be.
Johanna sends her son Jeremiah alone over to our house with his dog Pebbles, and all of her stuff and a small amount of food. Jeremiah fills Sue in on Pebbles' likes and dislikes and quirks, all needed for her best care and comfort and says an emotional good bye to his pet. Sue sends me a text at work briefly explaining the situation along with a photo of Pebbles. The photo on my phone shows a Chihuahua with the added text, "Terrier? My ass". [Lie #1]
Pebbles' water, food and bed are set up in the dining nook of the kitchen. Pebbles and Sue do not get along well at first. Pebbles growls and lunges at Sue when she gets near. Sue resorts to calling her, Cujo. When I come through the door at the end of the day, Sue has prepared a few pieces of diced cheddar for me to bribe Pebbles with, and as Pebbles runs to greet me, I feed her cheese scraps. We are fast friends in 7 seconds. Meanwhile, Sue is still seething from Cujo's threats that continued toward her all day long.
My preference in dogs runs toward a dog that enjoys sleeping at his master's feet and can be petted with a solid hand across a broad hound-shaped head and stroked with a solid affectionate thump and scratch from my open hand on their side. Admittedly, Chihuahuas are probably my least favorite breed, they have bug eyes and spindly spider-monkey legs and even my smallish hands encompass half of Pebbles' body. I do not feel like I am petting a dog, but she is more akin to trying to pet a quick-moving short-haired lobster. Not a real dog. However, Pebbles is intelligent (for a Chihuahua) and she is learning to follow my instructions. Basically, a good dog especially if you want a small lap dog (which I do not). Eventually, Pebbles accepts Sue presence and we all settle in to our shared space. Sue texts Johanna a few updates on her dog Pebbles, thinking Johanna would like to know how things are working out back at home with her pet. Sue gets zero response from Johanna. Not even a 'thank you' for helping me out while I am out of town. Nothing.
We've had Pebbles at our house since Tuesday morning, and come Saturday at dinner, after no messages from Johanna, I ask, "You don't think Johanna has dumped Pebbles at our house, expecting us to keep her from here on out, do you?" Most of my life I have made it a point to ignore my intuition and hunches about people, instead relying heavily on my intellect to solve problems and form opinions; however over the last few years, I have grown much more comfortable listening to what my 'gut' is saying. That evening, my gut was saying, we've heard nothing from Johanna, it feels like this will soon become "MY monkeys and MY circus". I do not like to hear and/or feel that. Sue assures me that Johanna is a busy woman, and is dealing with a lot, so she may need a rest at home upon her return on Saturday, but she will come get Pebbles on Sunday evening or maybe Monday. My guts whispers to me, "Buddy, you better prepare to be buying a boat load of metaphorical monkey chow if you think Johanna is coming back for Pebbles". I am torn between listening to my gut or my wife, but if I were a betting men, my money would go with soon owning the monkeys. I never wanted to run away and join the circus, but conversely, now I do not want the circus to join me
Sunday: I ask, have you heard anything from Johanna? Sue says, well I did call her and left a message and I texted her, and I also tried to reach her on FaceBook; but no, I've heard nothing from her.
Monday: I ask, have you heard anything back from Johanna this morning? Sue responds a bit defensively, "I have several calls into her and attempts to contact her, and I am waiting to hear back from Johanna". I repeat what my gut has already told me, "You know, Johanna will not be coming back for her dog."
I come home at 2 PM on Monday in order to meet with the A/C technician who is scheduled to be at our house shortly, but as I walk into the house, Sue is on the phone with Johanna. I hear Johanna's voice and my 'Chihuahua-sense' is tingling. Her tone and her wording are knocking my internal BS manipulation detector off scale. Johanna is telling Sue, that she can not take Pebbles back right now because she just moved to a new apartment and has not paid the pet deposit fee, so no way she could take the dog [Lie #2]. Besides, Johanna informs Sue that boarding her dog would be very expensive and a drain on her finances (as we have been saying, Not my monkeys, Not my circus). "So", Johanna continues "if you could hold onto Pebbles for just a few more days, I have some friends across town who would like to give Pebbles a new home [Lie #3] and they will take her real soon". And besides, Johanna continues, "It would not be fair to Pebbles to take her from your home back to my place, only to then re-home her at another place, this would be too traumatic for Pebbles and 'I love that dog so much'" [Lie #4]. Sue tells her that we have plans to leave town to visit friends over the weekend, so Pebbles has to be gone before then. Johanna agrees and promises to pick up Pebbles on Wednesday (or Thursday) [detecting a pattern? Lie #5]. While I deal with the A/C technician, Sue agrees to hold onto Pebbles through Wednesday (or maybe Thursday).
Of course we hear nothing from Johanna on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. Another reason Johanna could not take responsibility for Pebbles was revealed on FaceBook, Johanna flew to Chicago and posted all the fun she was having clubbing in the Windy City. Meanwhile, our trip to visit our friends in East Texas for the weekend is now torpedoed by Pebbles. I decide, Sue should go alone while I stay behind to care for MY monkey at MY circus. I flat out tell Sue, Johanna is NOT your friend, she is a manipulative, scheming liar who is using you time after time. I refer her to M. Scott Peck's book, People of the Lie. Johanna is the embodiment of this type of evil that casually spins these toxic webs and entangles and manipulates all manner of people into her webs in order to use them for her own selfish pleasures. I repeat, Johanna is NOT your friend and unless you handle this boldly, her toxin will poison your life and our marriage. These are not our monkeys nor is this our circus.
When Sue returns from her solo visit to East Texas, I tell her the plan: you must pack up Pebbles and return her to Johanna at work. Do not call ahead. Do not give Johanna any warning and therefore a means of escape. Show up with the dog. Leave the dog at her office, and if Johanna is not there, leave Pebbles in her crate on the premises and tell whoever you see that this is NOT your dog, it is Johanna's dog. Tell them to call Johanna to deal with it. Then leave. You owe no explanation, no excuses. Just flip the back of your hand and say "Not my monkeys, Not my circus".
By Monday morning (day 13), Johanna has not returned any of Sue's messages. Sue gathers all of Pebbles' stuff and together they ride out to the church denomination administrative offices where Johanna works. Sue walks in with Pebbles and heads straight to Johanna's office. Johanna is on the phone. Johanna's face has the look of "busted" as Sue and pebbles round the corner. Sue leaves Pebbles in the office then goes out to carry in all of her bedding, bowls and toys. Johanna quickly smiles and says, "Oh Sue! So good to see you! I would have called you, but my phone has been all messed up and... [Lie #whatever]. Sue leaves.
The next day, Johanna's FaceBook is aglow with praise for "my dear friend Sue Suneson with many thanks, who watched my beloved dog while I was dropping my son off at a prestigious Ivy league school in New York..." This face saving FaceBook post had at least two consequences, first her son Jeremiah was apparently told (lied to) by his mother that the Sunesons were very happy to give his dog Pebbles a new home. So once Jeremiah got wind of the FaceBook post, he was confused and very sad that Pebbles no longer was at our house as he thought was the plan. Second, our friend Diane (owner of Bella & Cooper whom we cared for earlier in the month) saw the post and being among other thing a 'dog person' thought she would offer to take Pebbles and do an 'evaluation' with Pebbles and then recommend her for a new home if all went well in the evaluation. Once I heard that Pebbles was now at Diane's apartment, I told Sue, this will not go well and be very careful, because Johanna's manipulative evil tendrils are coiling back toward our house, do not let Pebbles (Johanna) back in our house!
No good deed goes unpunished.
Ain't that just like a pebble in your moccasin?
I decided to spend Labor Day weekend in East Texas with friends, while Sue had other obligations so she stayed in town. While I was gone, Sue agreed to take Pebbles back into our house from Diane, so Diane could do a weekend trip. But Pebbles was very aggressive toward her other 2 dogs, so she could not allow all 3 to remain in the same space. So Sue had care of Pebbles for Sunday. Glad I was not there.
I returned on Monday, and I get the story, but Sue gleefully reports that "Diane keeps her word" and that Diane did pick up and remove Pebbles Sunday evening. But, somehow, Diane went from taking Pebbles for a short re-homing evaluation to getting full custody of Pebbles. Somebody must've got manipulated. Sue feels bad for Diane. But I tell her, lets say this together one more time,
Not MY monkeys,
Not MY Circus.
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