It's On My List Again This Year

One has been on my Christmas List for several years running now.  What I really want is an Arboreal Spotted-Tongued Squirrel Snake.  If they're on sale, maybe a breeding pair.  My Wish List is short and I acknowledge that my tastes tend toward the unorthodox; which either means that my desires are not stocked by the usual holiday suppliers and thus hard to get - or maybe it means that since very few other supplicants are hoping to find an Arboreal Spotted-Tongued Squirrel Snake coiled in the bottom of their stocking on Christmas Day, my request has a better chance of being filled.



Arboreal Spotted-Tongued Squirrel Snake
(Looks very similar to an Amazon Tree Boa)



Squirrel in my pecan tree when it notices my
Christmas Arboreal Spotted-Tongued
Squirrel Snake
(Photo Credit: Mark Pinder)

Most boys and girls are hoping for the fuzzy, the warm, the affectionate puppy, kitten or an somewhat exotic Furry Woodland Creature.  Those FWC's get all the attention and all the love.  But for me, I respect the cool, patient, silent and stealthy Squirrel Snake.  I am partial to Team Slytherin.  And useful?  Oh yes, one of them Arboreal Spotted-Tongued Squirrel Snakes could be quite handy in repelling the bucktoothed onslaught as the squirrels gnaw holes under the eves and then enter my attic to loudly fight and frisk about.  Yes, the Squirrel Snake would be a welcomed resident around here.  And if I get that breeding pair, I would put one in the magnolia tree and one in the pecan tree for sure.  Them varmints have been eating up all of our holiday nuts, before they are even ready for harvest.  No fresh pecan pie makes me a cold blooded man for the holidays.  What joy it would be to go out on a brisk November morn to harvest pecans and look up into the autumnal colored foliage and find a contented Arboreal Spotted-Tongued Squirrel Snake draped over a branch, flicking its tongue in greeting with a large lump in the midsection of its handsome cylindrical body.

Now some would advise, get a cat.  But then again some would advise, sell your soul to Satan.  If I am going to get a squirrel-eater, my minimum demand is a symbiotic relationship.  I will not be used and manipulated by a cat who is supposed to be working for my benefit.  I can patch the holes that squirrels gnaw in my house, but I am not sure I can patch the holes and claw damage a cat will put into a man's sense of self respect.

Now some would say, get a Iberian Squirrel Terrier or a Carpathian Squirrel Hound.  But I already got a dog.  I got a spotted-tongued Labrador retriever-Chow mix mutt.  He was born 9/11/2001 and is all black except a 5-pointed white star blaze on his chest.  He answers to the mythic Tolkiensian name of Strider.  With such a heritage you'd think he was the ideal incarnation to defend the homeland against squirrels seeking to do harm to the Suneson Way of Life, but he is feckless.  Strider is oblivious to the chatter and scampering of large rodents in his yard and in the trees above.  When I throw open the back door and give the command, "Strider, Go Get 'Em! Go Get Some Squirrel!"  He races onto the back patio, stops and attentively waits for me to lead the chase.  Feckless dog.  Does Nature not teach basic instincts anymore?

Strider the Feckless Squirrel Hunter

Maybe it is the magic of the holiday season, the kind of magic that animated Frosty The Snowman to dance around.  On Thursday, Inga noticed a squirrel in the backyard, opened the door and commanded Strider to go get the squirrel - and he did!  He pawed it, lunged at it, grasped it in his jaws and tossed it into the air.  Inga was so shocked at Strider's display of instinctual blood lust for this FWC that she called him off and offered a Milk Bone treat as a reward.  Then she called the city Animal Control Department, which dispatched a trained squirrel handler to pick up the FWC who was not feeling too well at this point.  I am sure the nice squirrel officer gave the FWC a couple of aspirin and dropped him off at a nice little farm in the country where he could start feeling better.

And like Frosty The Snowman who eventually turned into a puddle on the ground, Strider has returned to a lounging dog shedding puddles of black fur across the floor.  I want an Arboreal Spotted-Tongued Squirrel Snake for Christmas.  They are cool and effective.